How To Survive A Bad Breakup

Like it or not, sometimes life just doesn’t go in the direction that we want it to be. People change, relationships turn sour, and breakups happen, even if we don’t want them to. I’ve been there too, and I know no words can actually describe the heartfelt grief and pain. But despite the daunting fact, there are still ways for us to get through a nasty separation.

1. Don’t hide from your tears
If you feel like crying and the scene allows you to do so, just cry. Cry out loud until you feel better. Then drink some warm water or fresh juice, have a good rest, or do whatever makes you feel better. With so many social settings that forbid us from crying, including workplaces, schools and meetings, it’s the worst thing to do if we still suppress our emotions when we could release them through some tears.

2. Share your feelings with trusted ears
Be it your family, your friends, or an online support group – seek for people who are willing to listen and will not make impatient judgments, and share your thoughts and feelings with them. The healing power by doing so is much stronger than we imagine; even an introvert like me could use a pair of attentive ears and a shoulder to cry on. Do not be lured to talk to random strangers on websites like chat rooms or chatroulette though, for we never know the true intentions of those people behind the screen, and the last thing we want after a breakup is to be hurt again.

3. Catch up on activities you like
Miss your favorite shows or books? Catch up on them. Want to express yourself creatively, such as writing, drawing or singing? Start doing it now. Feel like doing nothing except sleeping? Don’t wait. Indulge in your favorite activities, protect your mind and heart from the chaos, and allow your soul to rest for a while.

4. Reflect on the relationship
When emotions have settled, think about the ended relationship rationally. What have you learned from it? What have you done correctly, and what could be done better? No matter what, don’t think of the relationship as a failure, but rather a valuable endeavor and experience along the course of life.

5. Move on with confidence
It might be very tempting to dwell in the past, but don’t let it haunt you. Move on from the experience, and have faith in yourself, your beauty, your life, and your future. Believe that somehow you will find someone who’s meant for you, someone who would love you with all his or her heart, someone who would treasure you with his or her life. Believe that you will find that “someone”, just as everybody else who had gone through bad breakups does. And most importantly, remember that it all depends on ourselves to get up when we fail; it’s downright painful, but we will eventually get through it, if we want to.

Now all that remains is to find yourself a new partner and put a smile back on your face via the Singles 247 online dating site.

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I think my wife could be a lesbian

Dear Nicola, I’ve been married for nearly a couple of years and feel my wife is slowly drifting away but into the hands of another woman.
She’s always been bubbly and very sociable with arranging group gatherings but lately i’ve noticed her being overly friendly with a close female friend. They hold hands when i’m around and when they say goodbye to eachother they share a lingering kiss where others have now noticed. This makes me feel very awkward and uncomfortable, I don’t know how to approach the subject and find out if there is anything going on behind my back. I don’t want to lose her but I can’t live a lie playing the ‘happy couple’. We are supposed to be making plans for the future i.e. have kids, a new home etc. What should I do, thanks James.

Hi James

The best way to approach this is to sit down and talk to your wife. Tell her your concerns and how her obvious advances with her female friend is making you feel uncomfortable and others are noticing too. Maybe not ask her if she is a lesbian outright as this could potentially infuriate her or put her on the defence. She is your wife and unless you tell her how you feel this will be ongoing which could eventually make you feel worse. If she has something to tell you regarding her sexuality, if she is attracted to women also then she needs to let you know. You are her husband and she needs to take her vows to you seriously and respect your wishes.

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How to Avoid First Date Nerves

Everyone gets nervous before a first date – it’s all part of the excitement. But if you’ve been out of the dating game for a while, or you get particularly nervous about meeting strangers, then here are a couple of tips to help you control the jitters.

First Date Nerves

First Date Nerves

1) Do Some Groundwork

One of the things which often stresses out daters is the unknown. Where is the venue? How do you get to it? How long should you allow to get there? All these worries can be easily put to rest with a visit to the date location before the date. Arrange to meet a friend at the venue a few days before the date. That way you can test out the route, work out where you’re going and worry about little things like where the loos are, and what to order, before the date itself.

2) Change Your Expectations

One of the biggest mistakes which daters make is expecting too much from a first date. Yes, you may end up meeting your future husband or wife, but the odds are that before that happens, you’ll meet some people you’re not actually attracted. I always try to approach dating as a fun way to spend my evening, rather than an interview for a husband. I try to go on dates to places I actually want to visit, or do activities which I’d wanted to try anyway. That way, I make having fun the purpose of my evening. Then, if I happen to fancy my date as well, it’s an added bonus.

3) Don’t Share Too Much Before the Date

In this day and age, it’s easy to share a lot of information with someone you’ve never met. In the run up to a date, you can text, call or email. Which may seem like a positive way to start the dating process, but often, over-communication does more damage than good. The problem with getting to know a date too well before you meet him, is that you start to form a false impression in your head. Until you meet someone in person, you can never properly tell who they are over emails and text messages, and by sharing too much before the date, you run the risk of building a picture of the person in your head, which the real person will never live up to. Keep the pre-date communication polite, but to a minimum, and that way you won’t unnecessarily build up your date, and your nerves …

4) Meet A Friend Beforehand

Whenever I have a date which I’m feeling particularly nervous about, I meet up with a good friend beforehand. That way, I know I will relax in my friend’s company, and act more like myself. Being in the company of a friend can help bring out the most attractive, natural side of you. And a good friend will know how to make you feel good about yourself, so that you go into the date with a smile on your face, and in a positive manner.

5) Do Something Active

I’ve already mentioned that I believe dating should be fun, and for me that often involves doing something active. But there’s another reason why an activity can work well for a first date, if you’re feeling nervous. Most activities mean you’re not sitting face to face with someone – unlike a drink or dinner. And this set-up is far less intimidating. Shier daters, and a lot of men, find it far easier to talk when they are side by side with someone, as opposed to face to face. So choose a fun activity, which gets you up out of your seat, and allows you to relax, surrounded by natural conversation starters and ice-breakers.

I hope that helps. Stay tuned for my next post with some more dating advice for you.

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Divorce Types Explained

For many people a divorce is a painful procedure that happens once they have explored every possible avenue of saving the marriage. Once the process starts, there is no going back for majority of people. The result is an annulment of marriage after either a legal battle or amicable separation.

Most people only know of these two types of divorces. This lack of knowledge often results in failure to explore more suitable options that would help the couple reconcile their differences and go along their separate ways without any undue stress.

There are four distinct types of divorce proceedings recognized by law. This is why it is often best to consult an experienced family law expert. Every couple has their own dynamics of relationship. This dynamics is still there when the differences starts and matters worsen to the stage where the spouses start to contemplate separation and divorce. It is because of this dynamics that every couple requires distinct treatment of their divorce proceedings.

No Contest Divorce
No contest divorce is one of the best case scenarios where the couple decides to end the marriage after a mutually agreement. This agreement specifies the division of property, assets, child custody and division of financial liabilities. This is often the swiftest divorces with a court order arriving within two months of filing the papers.

Contrary to popular perceptions, it is often best to involve an attorney in these divorces. Although the decision to divorce is reached after mutual agreement, it might happen that one of the spouses might give up a right unknowingly.

No Fault Divorce
A no fault divorce does not assign blame to any of the spouses. Rather, it accepts the fact that a couple might not wish to continue marriage because of irreconcilable differences or incompatibility.
This is a radical departure form the previous divorce laws that dictates that there should be valid ‘grounds’ for the divorce. These grounds were often the wrongdoings of one spouse and commonly included infidelity, desertion and mental or physical abuse.

It is now recognized that couples might wish to dissolve the marriage simply because they could not continue to live together. In such cases, a simple no fault divorce is the best option. In many cases, people confuse this type with no contest divorce. However, the two types are governed by very different set of laws and precedents.

Simplified Divorce
A relatively unknown type of divorce is simplified divorce that often happens early in the marriage. In many cases, these divorces happen when the couple discovers early on that they could not possibly continue to live together in future. Simplified divorces, as the name suggests, are among the most simple of the divorce cases, with quick hearing and verdict.

One of the reasons of the quick resolution of these cases, is the fact that they are classified as no contest, no fault divorces. Since there are few assets and liabilities to partition and argue over, the resolution of the marriage is a straightforward matter. The decision is usually handed down in a few weeks of filing the papers.

Despite the name, couples looking for simplified divorce should consult an expert in state family law. This type of divorce is not allowed in several states. Where it is allowed, there are very strict requirements and pre-requisites for the procedure.

Limited Divorce
Limited divorce is not technically an annulment of the marriage. It is actually similar to legal separation in that the couple s granted sometime to sort their financial issues. The idea is to give the spouses enough time to take care of the issues that would otherwise complicate the divorce proceeding.

Filing for limited divorce means that the couple agrees on the principle of dissolution of marriage. However, the financial and domestic issues prevent them for going for a contested divorce. In such cases, the court might agree to grant some time to come up with a plan of division of assets, liabilities, matters of alimony and child custody.

During the duration of limited divorce, the couple must live separately and must abstain from sexual relations. Once the period is over, the couple, along with concerned attorney must appear before the judge and present the finalized agreement. Divorce proceedings start as per the usual procedure.
In all these types of divorces, it is important to understand that these four types of divorces require supervision and advice of a legal expert. It is very easy to file papers for an uncontested divorce only to discover that the judge has different ideas and the appeal is tossed out.

As you have seen, there are different type of divorce – the key thing is if the unthinkable happens, and you have to divorce, that you choose the right type of divorce proceedings.

Additionally, you may wish to consider using a specialist dating servcice such as the Dating for Divorcees Dating site to help you start afresh with a new relationship.

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My boyfriend is a cross-dresser

Dear Nicola,

I came back home on my lunch break only to find my boyfriend trying on my dresses. I caught him literally as he was pulling up one of my stockings too along with a variety of my heels scattered around him. I was shocked and don’t know what to say to him nor has he explained why he was trying on my dresses even though it’s obvious he could be a cross-dresser. I feel uncomfortable around him and not sure if I know him like I thought I did. We don’t have kids but have a house together so it’s not like I can drop everything and run off but at the same time he’s my longterm boyfriend and I never thought I would catch him doing that. Please help, what shall I do? Zoe

Hi Zoe

Until you speak to your boyfriend you will never know the extent of his cross-dressing. It may be out of intrigue, a one off curiosity or a long-term need for dressing up in women’s clothes but firstly you need to address it and find out. There may be ways of working around it, if he opens up and explains his reasons then you could find some way to deal with it and carry on with your relationship. Don’t throw away what you have until you know the facts. Cross-dressing is a common experiment in this day and age and shouldn’t be looked down upon but it’s hard to gain acceptance in society. The last thing you want to do is be angry with him as he didn’t deliberately surprise you in his female attire. Tread carefully and be sympathetic to his needs. There are specialist services who deal with this nature and hopefully bring comfort to you and your partner.

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Ditching the Tick List

Ticking All The Boxes

Ticking All The Boxes

If you’d asked me a year ago to describe my ideal man, I knew almost every detail. His height, his hair colour, the job he did, the sports he played …

I met that ideal man. And he checked every single box. But it turns out that Mr. Perfect wasn’t actually perfect for me.

It’s easy to be superficial when you’re dating. We’re all attracted to looks as a starting point, and features like height and build can be important for practical reasons. Factors like a person’s job, or where he lives, can tell you a lot about a person’s background, and aspirations. But there is always more to a person than a need list of tick-boxes.

Until last year, I only ever went on dates with men who met my strict criteria. I would search online dating sites with a fine-toothed comb, only sending messages or flirting with men who I thought fit the bill. As a result, in six months of online dating, I went on just two first dates.

And then one day, one of those picture-perfect guys really messed me around. Determined not to wallow, I set myself a challenge on Facebook. 30 Blind Dates in the three months before my 30th Birthday …

On The 30 Dates Challenge

Charly Lester

When you’re cramming 30 dates into 12 weeks, and you’ve handed over your love life to your friends and family, suddenly the tick-list goes out the window! I was agreeing to go on dates with men I had never seen photos of, and men who up until that point, I would have never even spoken to …

And do you know what? It was a lot of fun!

No, I didn’t find a partner, but that was never the idea. Instead the whole experience reminded me of something I needed to know – that dating really can be a lot of fun!

It also taught me a valuable lesson – dating is a learning curve.

You think you know what works for you on paper, but it’s only through trial and error, and meeting all kinds of different people, that you truly understand what works for you.

Because a girlfriend or boyfriend isn’t just someone on paper. They are someone who enters your life as both a partner and a friend, and someone who needs to be far more than just a pretty face, a decent height, and a good job.

In the past year, thanks to the challenge I did, and the blog which followed, I’ve been on more than 100 first dates. And no, I’m not telling you that you need to do the same! But what I will say, is that the very best of those hundred dates, was with a man who, had I seen his profile online a year ago, I would have never considered dating.

He had a child already, and was in the Army – two things I’d always seen as big turn offs. And yet, when I went on the first date with him, and the second, and the third, I realized those features weren’t the important things. What was important was how mature and devoted he was, as a single Dad, and how driven and adventurous his Army career had made him – all characteristics which I not only find attractive, but that I now know are vital in my future partner.

So next time someone who doesn’t meet all your ‘criteria’ contacts you, why not give him a chance? Meet up in person, and see if the deal-breakers really are that important, or if the things you wouldn’t normally consider, actually make him a surprisingly attractive option.

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Will he leave her for me?

Dear Nicola,

I’ve known a guy for a few years that I used to date but nothing evolved at the time so we parted but still remained friends. We have both had partners since and out of the blue we got chatting and he helped me with a favour which meant we actually got to see eachother. Since then the sparks have rekindled and the chemistry is there, the feelings are certainly mutual. He says how much he wants to be with me etc but he’s actually not said he will leave his partner. What is the best course of action to take and how do I approach telling him I want him to leave her? Jayne.

Hi Jayne

The simple matter of fact is if he wants to be with you then he certainly will leave his partner. Make sure the memories aren’t the reason to bring you together but the future is what’s important if you want to both give it a second go. Think of the reasons why it didn’t work before, what’s changed and is this new relationship for the longterm or a lustful fantasy of what could have been. If you discuss your feelings without putting pressure on him this will give you a clear indication of where you stand.

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What’s the “Grammatter” with Bad Spelling?

“Hay gurl wuts up your beautiful”
Virtually every female on an online dating site has seen it in her inbox over and over. “GGs”—“Greeting Grunts.” The Neanderthal equivalent of a pick-up line.
I might be considered a “grammar Nazi” just because my kneejerk response to “your beautiful” is “my beautiful what?” (Honk twice if you get it.)
But the majority of women agree.
Even more intriguing to me, however, was the male perspective.
I had a hypothesis that men would be more forgiving.
What I found implies quite the opposite.
Every man I spoke with on Tinder told me proper grammar (not to be confused with touch-screen typos, but often associated with “txt spk”) is, in fact, important to them.
They ranged from 18 to 65, represented all races and levels of education/income, and all but one rated grammar as at least 4 on a scale of 5.

Some typical responses:
I rank grammar at a 4 …because it’s important to me…
I hate when somebody sounds completely illiterate over a message. It’s one of my biggest pet peeves.
For me personally…grammar matters….If we’ve been talking for awhile, I’m more forgiving…But opening salvo? Nope.
Proper grammar was associated with education and intelligence:
If the girl uses bad grammar I usually don’t talk to her. It’s important for me that the girl knows how to use grammar and is well educated. Education is important.
Grammar is important in that there is usual a correlation between education level and grammar.
Intelligent girls are a turn on… So a smart woman who is a cunning linguist can be equivalent to stripping to me haha… Improperly using ‘me’ and ‘I’ can be a turn off
Dumb girls just don’t do it for me. She doesn’t have to Shakespeare, but she can’t be Jim-Bob either

It’s important to note that a handful of men who cited good grammar as important actually used incorrect grammar in their explanations. Point being, what we value is not always what we’re good at.

The bottom line? Bad grammar, just like a bad selfie, will only hurt your online dating conversation rate (ODCR). Vast improvement can be seen by focusing on just three sets of words:
Your/you’re
They’re/their/there
To/two/too
If you tend to mix up these homophones, you’re not alone. So what’s the answer?
Learn the basics. Practice. Groom your communications. Re-read what you write before you send it. When you see more replies popping up in your inbox, you’ll be happy you did.

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4th of July Quotes

old-glory

Liberty and Justice For All

To get you in the spirit this national holiday we thought we’d share some of our favorite 4th July Freedom quotes with you. To all patriotic Americans, whether you will be spending the day at your local parade, a fireworks display or with friends and family or just getting drunk, you sure know you are in for a good time. So let’s celebrate the birth of what we now know as the USA.

4th of July Quotes that are worth remembering:-

“I believe in America because we have great dreams, and because we have the opportunity to make those dreams come true.” — Wendell L. Wilkie

“If you take advantage of everything that America has to offer, there’s nothing you can’t accomplish.” — Geraldine Ferraro

“From every mountain side, 
Let freedom ring….” — Samuel Francis Smith

4th-of-july

4th of July at the Statue Of Liberty

“We must be free not because we claim freedom, but because we practice it.” — William Faulkner

“I love my freedom. I love my America.” — Jessi Lane Adams

“The United States is the only country with a known birthday.” — James G. Blaine

little patriots

Young Patriots

“My patriotic heart beats red, white, and blue.”  — Author Unknown

“Those who won our independence believed liberty to be the secret of happiness and courage to be the secret of liberty.” — Louis D. Brandeis

“Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better.” — Albert Camus

There you are – some truly awesome 4th of July Quotes. Hope you have a fun day, and a fun night too, from all of us at Singles 247.

Happy 4th Of July everyone and let’s not forget God Bless America.

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My ex won’t let go

Dear Nicola,

After a year long relationship it was time to call it a day with my girlfriend, things weren’t working out even though it was the hardest decision I had to make as I still have feeling for her. The problem is she won’t take no for an answer and i’m at a loss as to what to do to make her understand we both need to move on. When weeks pass with no contact and I think she’s realised then out of the blue I will get a message from her reminding me of all the upset and pain that caused the breakup. She won’t let go so what can I do to make her understand without hurting her feelings too much. Neil

Hi Neil

There’s no easy way to tell her without hurting her feelings as by the sounds of it she won’t let go of the past. The best way is to not respond to any messages or have physical communication/contact. To continue dialogue with your ex will just prolong the agony not just for you but her too. If there is constant communication then she will use this as the green light to continue wanting you back, she will find some form of contact is better than no contact no matter how unwilling you are to get back together. To not let go of the past she doesn’t want you to forget her hence the continuous contact. Even though it’s very upsetting and there is feelings for her you can’t let her know of this as it’s a recipe for disaster if you want to move on with your life. If your ex has friends or relatives that can speak with her to help her get through this difficult time then eventually she will give up and move on with her life too. Good luck for the future.

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